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What Not To Say On A First Date

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What Not To Say On A First Date
What Not To Say On A First Date

Lorenzo Lamonica via Unsplash

Going on a first date comes with its own anxieties and worries.

There’s what to wear, how to wear it, the makeup to wear, the pewrfume or cologne to wear, and how much you’ll be spending.

There’s even the thought of not going at all that creeps in sometimes.

But these worries, although quite valid, should not snatch the attention away from the right things to say on a first date.

Regarding the right things, it becomes interesting. This is because we seem to always know what to say – compliment your date, ask what they’d like to eat, and so on.

However, what not to say hardly ever crosses the mind.

So, while first dates may have a lot of uncertainties, there’s also a chance that you can decide the turn of events by simply leaving out a few things during the conversation.

Here are seven things you should not say at all on a first date.

Don’t talk about your parents

You have the most awesome parents in the world; that’s fine. But your date is not exactly there to hear about them – at least not yet. Let the focus be on you for the first time. Otherwise, you risk giving off the impression that you are tied to your parents’ apron strings.

Leave politics out of it

Don’t ruin your chances of getting a second date by going off about your quite strong political views. You never know whose relation you are sitting next to. Heck, your date may be apolitical and you are there already mouthing off about what you think about Trump as they give you a funny look. No, don’t do that.

Leave the numbers out of it

It’s cheeky to ask your date how many times they’ve been out on dates, the number of lovers they’ve had or – quite outrageously – the number of times they’ve had sex. You don’t need to know all these, even if you plan to eventually get through on a second date. This is personal data that they reserve the right not to share with you on a first date. Try to make the most out of your time together without going down the numbers lane.

Don’t bring up your ex

Almost everyone has an ex. Since that’s already common knowledge, it’s pointless bringing your ex up on a first date. You only succeed in passing off the impression that you are still hung up on them or you will be quite difficult in a relationship.

Avoid talking about their looks

Almost everyone makes the effort to appear presentable on a first date. So, except you have compliments to pass, keep your opinion about their eyebrows or faux lashes to yourself. Aside from the fact that you make them feel uneasy, you also come across as too judgmental. You always knew they were tall, or at least you had seen their pictures. So, the “you look so tall” is not exactly the compliment you think it is.

Remove the uncertain terms

It might be as a result of being nervous, but using phrases like “maybe”, “kinda”, “I guess so” don’t create the best impression of you. Try to practice being certain and feel free. It’s a first date, not an interview.

Avoid the salary talk

No one wants to feel like you are sizing them up. It’s fine to estimate how much they are worth or what class they belong, but don’t go asking them to tell you exactly how much they earn. People, including the rich of the rich, are not usually comfortable discussing their exact net income. If they say they are comfortable, then they are comfortable.

 

 

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Relationships

5 Things You Should Never Say To Your Mother-In-Law

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5 Things You Should Never Say To Your Mother-In-Law
5 Things You Should Never Say To Your Mother-In-Law

You should never say No to your mother-in-law no matter what. Walter Gadea via Unsplash

Getting married comes with a lot of new responsibilities. One important aspect is relating with your mother-in-law.

You should know that there are certain things that you should never say to your mother-in-law if you want peace to reign.

It’s not about being docile; it’s you being wise enough to avoid conflict or a strained relationship with your mother-in-law.

Ordinarily, these things shouldn’t be a big deal. But their meanings change when said to a mother-in-law.

So, you need to take note of the underlying meanings of the seemingly harmless statements that you make around your mother-in-law.

Here are five things you should never say to your mother-in-law.

Never say ‘No’ 

As simple as the word ‘no’ is, saying it to your mother-in-law can dig up a whole lot of issues that would otherwise be nonexistent. To avoid painting the wrong picture of yourself or sending the wrong message across, try as much as possible not to say the word ‘no’ to your mother-in-law. Instead of saying ‘no’ outrightly, you could say ‘I appreciate you ma but I sincerely cannot take/do this right now. Thank you for your understanding.’ Sounds better? It sure does. This reduces whatever friction must have been brewing.

‘I did not ask for your opinion’ 

Regardless of the circumstances involved, saying this to your mother-in-law can trigger avoidable conflict. As much as you may not like every intrusion from your mother-in-law, telling her directly that you did not ask for her opinion is you disrespecting her. It does not matter if you are older or about the same age. This should never be said to avoid unnecessary drama.

Your child prefers it this way’ 

This is sure to create a strained relationship between you and your mother-in-law even if you didn’t mean it that way. As a mother, she feels she knows what’s best for her child because she has been with your spouse longer than you ever have. Telling her that her child prefers something done a particular way that is contrary to what she has always known is you gunning for enmity. She is likely to think of you as the intruder who has come to destroy the close bond she has with her child. You can advise her to try another idea or suggestion if she asks but not outrightly telling her that you know exactly what her child prefers simply because you are the spouse.

‘We don’t have time to visit you’ 

No mother-in-law wants to hear this. Do not make your mother-in-law feel alienated from her child’s life simply because they are now married. Try to make her understand that it’s not your deliberate decision to not come visiting. Family is everything as we age and your mother-in-law needs that connection – you need that connection with her as well.

It is not a big deal’ 

It might not be a big deal to you, but it definitely is to her – else she wouldn’t have raised it up with you. You not understanding why she is making a fuss out of it shouldn’t be communicated so nonchalantly. As a mother, her concerns – just as yours – are valid. Try to understand her point of view. You don’t have to accept it, but just understand it. You’d be surprised what ‘I understand you’ can do as opposed to ‘It’s not a big deal.’

 

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Relationships

Stalking: How To Deal With It

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Stalking: How To Deal With It
Stalking: How To Deal With It

Stalking is an uncomfortable situation no one wants to be in. Mika Baumeister via Unsplash

No one wants to be in a situation where they are being stalked constantly.

It is an uncomfortable situation to be in at any point in life.

Stalking happens when you are feeling uncomfortable with unwarranted and unsolicited contact by the person doing the stalking.

In a time of digital technology, stalking not only happens in-person when the person follows you without your knowledge and permission. It can also happen online in the form of cyber-stalking or cyber-bullying. Usually, these types of contact can be difficult to prosecute. However, there’s a bit of help here as you can avoid this kind of harassment more easily by changing your online privacy settings or email address.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are being stalked online and it gets to the point of in-person stalking, you shouldn’t joke with this. Try to take it to the authorities as it is very serious.

Types of Stalkers

While stalking in itself is inherently bad, some types of stalkers are more dangerous than others. Therefore, you should arm yourself with the right knowledge of the type of stalker you are dealing with as this can help you notify the police appropriately and defend yourself if necessary.

  • Simple Stalkers: Most stalkers are known as simple stalkers. These are people who you know that you may have had a romantic or friendly relationship in the past. While you ended the relationship, it didn’t end for them.
  • Love obsession stalkers: These are people who you have never met (or very casual acquaintances) who latch onto you and think that they are in a relationship with you. People who stalk celebrities are in this category.
  • Stalkers who have a psychotic fantasy about a relationship with their victims will often turn from unwanted attention to threats or intimidation. When this fails, they may escalate to violence.
  • Sometimes the abuser in an abusive relationship or marriage becomes a stalker, following their ex and watching them from afar, then moving closer, and eventually repeating or escalating violent attacks. This can be one of the most dangerous stalkers.

How To Deal With Stalking Online and Offline

A casual acquaintance whose likeness for you grows into an obsession and comes by your residence occasionally or often may be ultimately harmless. An abusive ex-husband who has threatened you may try to kill you if you let your guard down.

If you are being stalked online, verify if the stalker has any information about your real-life location. Be sure to maintain a secure online presence and never reveal your home address or even your hometown on public pages.

Try to be observant. If you believe that you are being stalked, you should be more observant and careful of your surroundings. Take note of anyone acting strangely or unknown vehicles in your neighborhood or near your workplace. Be sure to take notes about anything you observe that seems unusual.

Avoid contact with your stalker. Stalkers usually think that they are in a relationship with their victims. And whatever contact the victims make with them is seen as validation of their “relationship,” which is nonexistent. If you are being stalked, do not call, write to, or speak to your stalker in person if you can avoid it at all.

 

 

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Relationships

Ghosting: How To Move Past It

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Ghosting: How To Move Past It
Ghosting: How To Move Past It

Ghosting in a relationship hurts

Ghosting is when all communication between you and the other person stops abruptly.

The thing about ghosting is that it happens unexpectedly without prior notice.

Nothing prepares you for it. There are no clues or hints; everything seems to be going well until it happens.

No one wants to be ghosted. It is a traumatic experience that leaves the person being ghosted with deep insecurities and feelings of guilt.

A lot of times, people wonder if they are at fault or they did something wrong to deserve being ghosted.

Do you deserve being ghosted? 

Ghosting is not a good thing to happen to anyone. Some may say there are valid instances where ghosting is appropriate. But chances are that if you are left wondering and perplexed about why you were ghosted, then it is not your fault.

Ghosting is the lazy way out for people who have communication issues. They would rather avoid talking to you than address the situation squarely.

Does ghosting hurt?

Ghosting hurts the individual who was left behind with no explanations or reasons. This is especially if you have shared experiences, secrets, fears, concerns and hopes with each other. It sure does hurt to be ghosted by the person who used to be your confidante, listen to how your day went and share ideas with you.

How do you know if you are being ghosted? 

Sometimes, we don’t want to believe that we have been ghosted. We assume that the person may have been hospitalized or lost their phone hence the silence from their end. But no one loses their phone for a whole week without trying to contact those who matter to them and they know would be worried about the absence of communication.

Similarly, no one is rushed to the hospital without thinking of informing someone close to them to reach out to those who may be worried.

Why would they fall sick and not inform their loved ones (if they truly consider you a loved one)?

There is no justification for ghosting someone. No excuse cuts it.

Will they come back? 

Some do return from their self-imposed exile. Ghosting helps the person who is doing the ghosting. They get to come back anytime they feel like and cook up a story about why they disappeared. This is another reason why ghosting is selfish and cunning.

Is it right to take them back? 

Their return may trigger some feelings you have fought to keep buried. It’s not your fault; they used to be close to you. But if they’ve ghosted you once, chances are high that they’ll do it again. And you certainly don’t want your feelings toyed with that way. Taking them back sends the message to them that you are available to be played with as they’ll keep ghosting and coming back as many times as they like without genuine explanations.

What should I do if I’m being ghosted?

First, tell yourself the truth. Don’t try to bottle up your feelings. Allow yourself to feel the hurt and mourn their exit. It helps you deal with what’s ahead such as triggers.

Then, do away with all memories of them in your life – it might be a gift or a picture or saved texts. If the gift cannot easily be discarded, say a car or an apartment, you can try selling it. And if you want to keep it, mentally disassociate their memory from the gift and just see it as a goodwill from life.

Then, listen to positive messages and motivational podcasts. Tell yourself that you deserve better and they are the ones life helped you weed out.

 

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